Much Chaos, Much Progress

Over the past week, things have become extremely chaotic in our inner world. Yesterday, the chaos finally started to come into order and a lot has changed for us since.

It started out as an obsession that got out of hand, but the obsession, although it seemed to hurt us at first, has really lead to some serious but positive changes for a number of us. I don't want to explain what the obsession was about as it is embarrassing. However, it has lead us to discover some things about ourselves that we might have never realized.

For example, Grant made some very interesting discoveries. First, he realized he is attracted to males. Next, he became quite upset over the fact that our body's breasts are very small, despite the fact that he identifies as a boy. Now, Grant understands that he desperately wants to be a girl but has been sort of "hiding out" as a boy because he is too shy to be his true self. Grant has gleefully begun to transition in our inner world from male to female and is ecstatic over the progress he has already made by developing a rather lovely pair of breasts. Soon, he hopes to be a sweet girl named Eve. For now, he still feels the boy name is more appropriate but says we may use any pronouns we deem fit at this point ("he", "she" and "they" will all work).

Similarly, Rosamund, one of our lesbian alters, realized she really wanted to be a male. He transitioned immediately and goes by Raymond now. Interestingly, his husband was quite enthusiastic about the change and was very happy to try experiencing the relationship from a female's perspective, although this transition is taking more time.

As for me ... I realized I really have to be honest with myself about the fact that I am not straight and that I have to relinquish that view of myself. I embrace my queer attractions as they are what they are and I do enjoy them, for the most part. As for what I am as far as my sexual orientation is concerned, I don't feel comfortable with an explaination nor a label, although I am sure there is no existant, accurate label for me at this time. I am just Marcella, the queer woman.

So, yeah, the revelations we've been having are all about sex, gender, sexual orientation and other related issues. Really, really weird stuff, but we are feeling better about ourselves for it. :)

- Marcella

Our Sexual Orientations

Well, it's Pride Month and, although we don't consider ourselves "proud" of what we are, we did take an inventory of our various sexual orientations last night. Here it is broken down:

Straight: Norman, Metrodora, Jada, Ning, Janice, Gemma, Io, Atlas, Barbara, Prince, Gorilla, Hannah, Lily, Wilbur, Hikari, Armina

Gay: Rickie, Logan, Jake, Axel

Lesbian: Stephanie Larson*, Rosamund

Bi-sexual: Tank, Fido, Mick, Jadden

Other: Paul (unknown), Abigail (not applicable), Grant (complicated), Sonia (complicated), Marcella (complicated)

Here we are catagorized based on what we are attracted to:

Male Preference: Rickie, Logan, Jake, Axel, Grant, Metrodora, Marcella, Jada, Ning, Janice, Gemma, Barbara, Hannah, Lily, Armina

Female Preference: Stephanie Larson*, Rosamund, Norman, Io, Atlas, Prince, Gorilla, Wilbur, Hikari

Both Sexes: Fido, Mick, Tank, Jadden

Neither/Unknown/Other: Abigail, Paul, Sonia

Let me clarify a few things: First, not everyone in our system is internally cis-gender. Wilbur and Hikari identify (mostly) as male but are female "downstairs". Hannah likewise identifies as female but is male downstairs. Secondly, some people who are now straight once identified as homosexual. For example, Gemma was a boy once but became a female once she realized she was attracted to males. Thirdly, Paul is quite new to the system (as a split) and is not yet ready to explore his sexuality and sexual orientation. As a forth point, Rickie, Stephanie Larson* and Rosamund are all in straight relationships. Fifth, Abigail is a little girl and does not have a sexual orientation.

There are a few more complicated things about us, but that's all that we feel comfortable saying in public.

* Stephanie Larson is one alter who has a last name all her own. It is not our legal name.

- Marcella

PS: This only includes people whom we consider to be "traditional" alter types. This does not include living characters or media introjects, which is why Imre and Cullen, for example, are not listed.

I Am Alone

Well, I read that the memories of events leading up to and away from traumatic events may simply be lost to us, so maybe Fido was the last person to find? I can never be sure.

*** Trigger Warning: Vague Religious Stuff ***

I just don't feel comfortable with my relationship with God right now. And that's all I can say. Suddenly, I can't think anymore. :'( ... ... ... It's okay, maybe. I feel alone, like no one would understand my feelings, and maybe I am right. My experience is unique and my religious/spiritual beliefs are unique (I guess?). I'm afraid that if I shared what I'm going through, then A.) someone who shares my beliefs but doesn't understand trauma will fail to validate my feelings, B.) someone with different beliefs but understands trauma will fail to validate my beliefs, or C.) no one will EVER comment to this (most likely outcome), and each of those will make me feel more alone. Peh.

So I am alone. I am isolated. I am an island. No one can or will reach me. Only God sees me and I don't know if I want him to see me or not. I am alone. I hate feeling alone.

- Marcella

"New" Alter Found; More Trauma, Too

Finally, we've found that missing Memory Keeper!

I knew there had to be more trauma out there because so much appears to be missing. For example, we might have found a memory of X, but where are the events that lead to X? Or what happened right after X? Things like that are still missing.

So, we worked on trauma today and that's what helped us find the missing alter. Basically these days, we have a person split off who has a single traumatic memory. We work on that memory using those nine steps I wrote about and then the person re-fuses with the alter that previously held that memory. Today, the boy who had the trauma neither fused with Io nor Tank, our known Memory Keepers. Instead, he seemed to go exactly to the place in our inner world where I expected an alter to be hiding. The alter was surprised that the memory didn't bother him anymore so he decided to come out and introduce himself to us.

That's how we met Fido, a male dragon. Now we have 31 confirmed alters, three of whom hold trauma from the outside world. (Also, that makes us no longer evenly split between male and female. There are now 16 males and 15 females, with no androgines.) Fido only came out because he knows now that we can resolve the trauma. He says he has three more memories and he wants to work on them as soon as we can.

I still think there must be more memories and therefore Memory Keepers out there as three memories are not enough to explain all of what I said before is still missing. Our quest to find everyone in this system continues.

- Marcella

Hello Again from Tank

Hello, again. It's Tank.

I had a relapse since our last post, but I simply recalled the stuff I did before and am better again, but I expect more relapses soon.

After the exposure therapy, Io started struggling with his trauma. Three people split off of him and one person split off of me. Each person just had one traumatic memory. We helped them with that 9-step process that Marcella talked about and they have all re-integrated.

Good news: our insurance has finally approved our lurazodone, which worked very well for us in the past. Our psychiatrist is working to get it to us now. I hope it is as effective now as it used to be before the insurance refused to pay for it months ago.

I hope you are doing well.

- Tank

Never Say "Finally" ...


We were reading the journal earlier today and I noticed that Imre has said on quite a few occasions that we had "finally dealt with the trauma". I just want to clear up the confusion: this was never true and is still untrue to this day. We have always been working on our trauma--ever since we disocvered there was trauma--and we will probably continue to work on it until we die. Sorry to be morbid, but that's just what I'm supposing will happen. We suffered under our father for 17 years and have suffered other instances of trauma, even without him in our life. If we do ever "finally" conquer the trauma, I highly doubt that it will happen in one fell swoop anyway. While our system may change quickly and frequently, our life itself is not a short, fast journey. We will keep working on the trauma as long as there are alters to hold it and as long as there are alters who are willing to work it out and process it.

I hope that leaves our readers with more clarity. Thank you.

- Marcella

Our New Normal

We may have done it. We may have found and reviewed ALL of the trauma. We did not process all that we found, but we may have found it all. I say "may" because I don't know if there are any alters still in hiding in the inner world. I know of exactly thirty alters, self-included. Almost all of them stay right next to me in the Front here.

Well, it's not the Front anymore. It's the Pit. We found alters in a place called the Pit in December of last year and, since then, the floor of the Front caved in and now we "broadcast" from the Pit. So very strange how our inner-world changes. We don't even have mushroom houses anymore. (Sniffs.) I loved those, but I know I'd rather the other alters be here in the Pit, experiencing their own life than living, isolated, in a fantasy world, dwelling in a giant fungus (cute as it may have been).

By the way, it was really hard finding all of that trauma. In the end, our memories were being triggered more and more and more. Anything in life could be a trigger for a memory (not a flashback, but a recollection of trauma), even other memories. Yes, even our thoughts could be triggering. Sometimes, there was no telling what triggered a memory to come forward. On the last day of trauma work, we faced forty-one memroies. x_X (Yes, we kept track.) That was so hard.

By come forward, I mean one of the alters who held our trauma of the outside world would suddenly have a memory spring forward and trigger our flight-or-fight response. Our heart rate and blood pressure would rise and we would feel anxious. We had to get in bed or sit in our special chair and review the memory, no matter how awful and disturbing it was. And they all were awful and disturbing. Once they processed or simply shared the memory, Io or Tank would get the memory and the other alter would forget it. It started with Tank taking the memories, but he seemed to get "full" and then Io formed to take his place.

I didn't even mention how we got down to thirty alters. First, I thought all of the alters had fused into me, Marcella, but I couldn't fathom why I was still Marcella and didn't identify with the body or its name. Months and months later, I somehow discovered the Pit and found I-don't-know-how-many alters down there. After working on a lot of the trauma, we found ANOTHER area of the inner-world that was PACKED FULL, like a can of sardines, with hundreds, maybe thousands more alters! They each had their own memories of bad things that happened to them in the inner-world from back in what we called the "Wild West Days" when alters were most uncivil and cruel to one another, no thanks to a group of alters we came to call "The Controlers". I met 250 or more alters in a little over a month (again, we kept track) ... it was crazy. Finally, I said, "Deal with your trauma!" Somehow, they did and now I only know of thirty alters. =)

Life has been so crazy on the inside. I'm glad to report it has been uneventful of the outside. We're still disabled. No job. Little we wish to do what with the depression and all, but now we are back on Psychforums, at least, and are gaining back a bit of a social life.

- Marcella

Healing Trauma in 9 Difficult Steps

Hello. I need to collect my thoughts about something ...

I have no idea where we left off with this journal or when, but if I said I reached final fusion, then know that I found in December 2020 that that was not true. All of the memory-keeping alters--save for me, Marcella--somehow got hidden away deep under the Inner World in a place they called "the Pit". We've been working together on the trauma for about a month now and have found a process for healing from the trauma that works for us. It's based on an aricle that, unfortunately, I'm not allowed to link to or I'd get in trouble. Long story there. I can tell you the article is from Psychology Today (website), is entitled "9 Steps to Healing Childhood Trauma as an Adult" (but you can heal adult trauma with this technique, too!) and was written by Andrea Brandt. Hopefully, with those details, you can find it.

The process mentioned must be done in nine steps. Like any healing process, this is a hard one, but we've found it to be highly effective (for us). I'll write down my thoughts on each step in this entry.

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I hope you find the same freedom we are discovering now. :) Buh-'bye.

- Marcella

Hello, Life!

So many things going on ... but they are good things!!!. :)

Okay, I just read the last entry, and it was pretty "sad". BUT I AM VERY HAPPY RIGHT NOW! It's like ... so much freedom has come to me. I am over the trauma. 0_0 WHOO-HOO!! My memory is so bad and I cannot calm down enough to think right now and tell you how it happened and what I mean by "freedom" but I hope to in another entry.

Today, I realized that it's time I stop dissociating once and for all. With the alters being integrated, it means that I can resume the kind of life I lead four years ago before I even became aware of the system. Well ... I wasn't disabled then, so I'm not sure what things will look like now, but I know it means I won't be spending a lot of time lying down in bed with the covers over my head, talking to my alters.

As a grounding technique, I'm going to try to write more ... perhaps even regularly. It may help my memory, anyway.

Got to go. I took a hot bath to try to ease some intense pain I've been in today and i'm still overheated.

- Marcella